


dream a little dream of me

by enbyofdionysus



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Because I needed it, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Sibling Bonding, Sibling Love, being lynch brothers, kind of, the lynch brothers - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-08-26 22:32:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16690174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enbyofdionysus/pseuds/enbyofdionysus
Summary: "I miss mom."Ronan had been half-asleep when he picked up the phone. He's wide awake now. He asks, "What?""I miss mom," Matthew says again.





	dream a little dream of me

The voice comes to him in the middle of the night.

Ronan would have thought it was a dream if the voice hadn't come through his phone. Ronan despises phones whether he's awake or asleep, but he'll only answer his phone during one of those times.

The voice is quiet, raspy, a whisper. It's deeper than it had been a few months ago. Ronan has no time between when he answers the phone and when he hears the voice's message. He has no time to brace himself for its impact.

"I miss mom."

Ronan had been half-asleep when he picked up the phone. He's wide awake now. The darkness of his room envelops him. The moon makes slices of light through the blinds with its claws.

He presses the phone to his ear tighter. He asks, "What?"

"I miss mom," Matthew says again. It's not so much a whisper this time so much as it is a wrecked sound. Ronan can hear the tears in it. There's the sound of wind. Of cars in the near-distance. Matthew must be outside.

Ronan doesn't tell him to go back inside. He knows more than anyone how the fresh bite of cool air can cool down hot, panicked flesh.

"I do, too," Ronan says. He's not prepared for this. But maybe it's better that his open, gaping wound is left that way for Matthew. Soldiers comparing scars.

There's a ragged breath from the other end of the phone. It scrapes at Ronan's nerves. He says, "Matthew."

"It doesn't smell like her anymore."

Ronan frowns, not understanding. "What doesn't?"

"Her sweater," Matthew says. No, not says. Moans. A low, awful sound. The last time Ronan has heard his little brother sound like this had been at Niall Lynch's funeral when some of Matthew's weird friends had unexpectedly shown up.

Ronan hadn't known that Matthew had kept one of their mom's sweaters. He says, "Fabric doesn't retain certain smells after a while." It's been four months. He adds, "If you want, I can send you one of her shirts from the Barns."

There's another ragged sound. Matthew inhaling. In a quiet, strangled voice, he says, "I want to go home."

Oh no.

Ronan tries to keep himself from crying. His throat is tight, though. He swallows. "I know, man," he says. "I'm sorry. You can come stay during spring break, though, okay?"

There's a long period of silence. Ronan can hear Matthew's shaky breaths. After nearly three minutes, he asks, "Matthew?"

" _I can't breathe._ "

Ronan sits up. "Okay," he says, "okay. Where are you?"

"The garden," Matthew says. Ronan has no idea where that is. It must be one of the spots on the campus of his new boarding school. It three in the morning.

"Can you sit somewhere?" Ronan asks.

"I don't want to sit," Matthew answers.

"Okay," Ronan says, "just stand. Breathe slowly in through your nose. Out through your mouth. You're not gonna die. You're not suffocating. It's just anxiety. In through your nose. Out through your mouth."

Ronan breathes with him through the phone. He hears the wet sound of Matthew inhaling through a congested nose and the shaky sound of his exhales. After a minute, he says, "Close your eyes." He knows Matthew enough to know he's doing it. "Tell me three things you can hear."

There's shaky breathing again.

"Keep breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth," Ronan says, "nice and slow. Take as long as you need. Tell me what you hear."

It takes a while. Finally, Matthew says, "Crickets."

"Good, okay, what else?"

"Cars."

"And?"

"Uh. Fuck." Ronan doesn't chastise him for swearing. At last, Matthew says, "Buzzing."

"Buzzing?"

"From the lamp posts," Matthew says, "by the sidewalk."

"Good. Okay. Now tell me three things you can smell."

There's another wet, snorting sound as Matthew inhales sharply to clear his nose. "Wet grass," he says, "laundry detergent, cologne."

"Good. Now open your eyes. What are three things you can see?"

"Flowers. Grass. Bushes."

"Three more things."

"The sidewalk. Lamp-post. My feet."

"Good. How are you feeling?"

"Better."

"Good."

"Sorry."

"Don't apologize, Matt. How's your breathing?"

"Better. Sorry."

"I'm sorry, too. I miss you."

"I miss you, too. How's Opal?"

For nearly an hour, Ronan and Matthew talk about Opal and Chainsaw and Adam and Matthew's dumb new school friends and Declan and their mom and their dad and the Barns and Opal and Chainsaw and Adam until Matthew sounds less like a paper being torn and more like himself, animated and whole.

"Are you ready to go inside now?" Ronan asks when hears his younger brother yawn. It's just after four. Ronan would need to get up to feed the cows soon.

"I'm headed in, yeah," Matthew says, his voice quiet now. Ronan can hear the wind as he walks across campus. "Thank you."

"No problem, man. That's what brothers are for."

Matthew's quiet and for a moment Ronan thinks it's because he's entering his dorm. But, instead, Matthew says, "I love you, Ronan."

Ronan's throat squeezes. He says, "I love you too, Matthew."

"Goodnight."

"Night."

Ronan spends a long time looking at his phone screen after Matthew hangs up. The Barns are as quiet in the early morning as they always are, maybe this time a little bit quieter now that Adam's away at school. But it somehow feels less like an oppressing silence after hearing Matthew's voice for so long, like his younger brother's essence gave the Barns a sigh of relief.

Instead of going back to bed, Ronan slides out from the covers and feels the chill from the floorboards on his feet from where a draft has made its way through the walls. _Home_ , Ronan thinks as he heads down the stairs and out to the fields.

_Home. Home. Home._


End file.
